| Mar. 25th, 2005 @ 07:56 pm Moon Blues |
|---|
I Feel:  stressed
PRIVATE ENTRY
I should write more often, but I've had a lot to think about recently...and I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet.
Everything was kinda peaceful, and almost normal for a while, and then the incident at the Technopagan Conclave threw it all out of balance again. Or maybe my life was out of balance before, and that incident is going to be the catalyst for determining how it is going to be once and for all.
Because wherever I go from here, I know there's no turning back.
Last night I had the strangest dreams. I sleep now, during the full moon. I never used to. Well, I guess my human part was asleep. When I came back to human form in the morning, I was left with a strange puzzle that only someone like Chuang Tzu could love: was I a wolf dreaming that I'm human, or a human dreaming that I'm a wolf. Chuang Tzu would doubtless answer that I am both and that such distinctions don't matter.
In trying to control my wolf, am I really destroying myself?
The collar has proven to be a source of great danger for me, as well as being the help it was designed to be. But am I really any "safer" to myself and others while I have it? On the great food chain of life, Serenity was floating along somewhere with the plankton, and she still manged to get the collar from me.
Additionally disturbing is the dream that Chip Roberta, and Carlos had. Apparently in the dream, Max and I were together.
Ok, that was just...really creepy.
I mean, I didn't think ANYONE knew how I feel about Max...and now they're all going to be thinking about it. Shit.
It's hard to explain. I mean, Max is so amazing. It totally turned my whole world upside down when I realized that she actually liked me enough to try to help me by making the collar to begin with. I don't totally understand magic, but I know enough to know that could have been just insanely dangerous--in dealing with the magics, you don't always know which ones are the dark ones. Afterward, I was so hopeful. I don't know what I was thinking...like maybe if I wasn't so "untamed" I'd be good enough for her or something. But apparently I'm still not, and she's with that dork Dot, and they're so damn serious about each other that they're even having a kid.
Which brings me to another issue. Dot. She bugs, bigtime, and when I wolfed out at the conference, I clawed her but good. Now I guess I'm supposed to play off like I'm all sorry or something, but on some level I'm not...and I guess it's fucked up to feel that way but I don't really care.
I don't know who I am, what I am, and I'm not sure I like myself regardless of what any of those answers are. I think I just need to get away for a while and see if the answers come to me when the problems aren't all up in my face. |
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kat_sinclair's journal
wolfy
blah
anxious
predatory
relieved
hungry
indescribable